When someone has died

Information for parents/carers supporting a young child.

This is a really difficult and challenging time for you and your family. Each family member will have their own way of making sense of what has happened. Parents/carers often wonder about the best way to talk to their children about death and how to help and support them.

It can be really hard to know how to talk to young children about death, particularly when it is the death of someone you care about and you are also grieving. We hope that this leaflet will provide some information that will be helpful to you and your family.

Why it is important to talk to children about death

Many people understandably worry about talking to children about death. A child can feel excluded when someone very close has died. We think we are protecting them, but in reality it is best to talk rather than keeping them in the dark. When children are not told things and see adults around them upset, they can feel left out and confused.

What do babies and toddlers understand about death?

From an early age children start processing their own beliefs around death and they have active imaginations. The older that they get the more they understand that it is permanent and happens to everyone. No matter what age, it can be very hard to come to terms with.

Up to two years

Children at this young age do not have an understanding of death and they do not have the language to express how they are feeling. They may however have feelings of loss and pick up on the distress of others around them. They may need more comforting than usual and be clingier. Toddlers can show a basic understanding of death and react when they see a dead animal, but they do not understand the implications of this, for example death being permanent and irreversible.

Children from two to five years

Preschool children still find it hard to understand the permanence of death and that it happens to everybody, so they may not always react in a predictable way. They can display magical thinking, where they think that someone will come alive again or may worry that they could have caused the death.

This age group cannot understand separation and so feel insecure and distressed, looking for the person who has died and needing a great deal of reassurance. They may relapse as they sense the loss and possible disruption to their routine.

Babies and young children may seem unconcerned about a death and might carry on playing after being told that someone has died and might be quite matter of fact about it. This is very normal and does not mean they are not affected and upset by the death – they process death gradually.

How to talk to children about death

Parents/carers often worry that they will say the wrong things or be unable to answer children’s questions. However, parents/carers are often best placed to know the level of information that is understandable for that individual child and it is fine to say "I don’t know" to questions that do not have a clear answer.

It is usually easier for children if they are given information in small chunks and often things will need to be repeated several times. The language used needs to be appropriate for the individual child, and information must be clear and honest.

Zero to two years

Toddlers may show a very basic understanding of death, but do not understand the implications of it. It is important to be honest and give brief explanations for verbal toddlers and include the terms dead and died. Story books can be a useful way of talking about death.

It is ok to express how you are feeling and that crying and being sad should not be hidden.

Two to six years

It is best to use the words dead and died rather than gone to sleep, passed away or lost as these can be confusing for children. A child might believe that a lost person can be found, or if someone has gone to sleep that they may wake up. (This may also make the child fearful of going to sleep themselves). It can be helpful to explain that when someone dies their body does not work anymore, and it cannot be mended, but the person does not feel anything. For example, you could say that their body has stopped working, they cannot walk, talk, or sleep anymore and they do not feel any pain.

If the person has been ill, telling a child that they have died will build on the information you have already given them, for example, "Remember I told you that your brother was ill, and the doctors didn’t know if they could make him better. I have something very sad to tell you. He died this morning."

Your own beliefs will help you decide whether to talk about a person being in heaven or a similar place. If the death is very sudden it can help to tell the child a bit about the accident, for example, that as the person crossed the road they were hit by a car and bumped their head very hard. It is also ok to say we do not know what caused the accident, if there is no known cause.

It is very normal for children of this age to think that death is reversible, and they may need to have things explained several times. Concepts such as 'forever' are difficult at this age. It is very important that children know it is not their fault that the person has died.

You may wish to talk about the funeral, and burial/cremation, depending on your wishes, and involve the child in this as appropriate.

Whether or not you decide to take the child to the funeral you may want to include them in a different way, such as planting something together, blowing bubbles into the sky, drawing a picture, writing a message for their loved one or making a memory box.

Some common questions and possible answers

Talking about death and dying is very difficult when we don’t even fully understand it ourselves, but rather than ignoring a question, a child needs the reassurance that they can ask any questions that they have. It is ok to say if you don’t know the answer to a question.

Question: Will I die? (Or are you going to die?)

Answer: Everybody will die eventually, but most people are very old when they die.

Question: Where do people go when they die?

Answer: The answer that you give will depend on your beliefs.

Question: What does dead mean?

Answer: A dead person is someone that does not eat, move or breathe anymore. They are not in any pain but they will never wake up.

Books about death and bereavement to read with children

• Crossley, D (2000) Muddles, Puddles and Sunshine. Winston’s Wish
• Durant, A (2003) Always and Forever. London: Corgi
• Gliori, D (1999) No matter What. London: Bloomsbury
• Halliday, N (2006) The Lonely Tree. Shanghai Silicon Valley Printing Ltd
• Heegaard, M (1991) When someone Very Special Dies. Minneapolis: Woodland press
• Janney, J (2002) Milly’s Big Nut. Winston’s Wish
• Krasny Brown, L (1996) When Dinosaurs Die. Library of Congress Cataloguing
• Leutner,D (2009) Remembering, Child Bereavement UK
• Silverman, J (1998) Help me say Goodbye. Minneapolis: Fairview Press
• Poore, M (2019) Where are you Lydie?, Emma Poore website (opens in a new tab)
• Rosen, M (2011) The Sad Book, Walker Books
• Stokes, J (2009) The Secret C: Straight Talking about Cancer. Winston’s Wish
• Stickney, D (1984) Waterbugs and Dragonflies. London: Mobray
• Thomas, P (2000) I Miss You. London: Hachette

Films for children that include death

• The Lion King
• Bambi
• Finding Nemo
• Charlotte’s Web

Useful websites

• Child Bereavement UK (opens in a new tab)
• Winston’s Wish (opens in a new tab)
• Child Bereavement Network (opens in a new tab)
• Surviving the loss of your world (opens in a new tab) (provides support for bereaved parents and siblings)