Guidance and support if your child is being bullied

Who is the leaflet for? What is its aim?

This leaflet is for parents and carers to help support their child with a cleft if they experience bullying. While many families worry about bullying, most young people we speak to say it hasn’t been a problem for them. Bullying should never be a normal part of growing up, and we hope the ideas in this leaflet are helpful.

What is bullying?

Teasing or banter are part of most children’s normal experience, however this can get out of hand and no longer be ‘a bit of fun’. The NSPCC defines bullying as ‘intentional behaviour that hurts someone else.’ If the teasing is happening frequently or persistently and your child is starting to feel hurt and/or upset, then it needs to be addressed.

There are many different types of bullying including verbal (such as shouting, calling names), non-verbal (such as pointing, social exclusion), physical harm, indirect (where someone else is used to harm the victim i.e. shunning, spreading rumours) and cyber-bullying (such as telephone calls, social media, texting).

When to suspect bullying

Your child may not tell you that he or she is being bullied, for fear or embarrassment, so it can be useful for parents to know some indicators.:

• Your child may be more upset, become angry or be less talkative than usual.
• Suddenly stop enjoying activities, going to places, and not wanting to go to after school clubs, lessons etc.
• Start using language that is not typical for them.
• Frequently complain of headaches or stomach aches.
• Changes in their eating or sleeping habits.
• Broken or missing possessions

Any of these signs could show that your child is finding something else distressing, not necessarily bullying, so the best thing to do is to ask them openly if something is worrying them.

What you can do to support your child

Reassurance

If your child does speak to you about bullying:

• Praise your child for telling you and reassure them that you will help them with the problem.
• Let your child know that he/ she is not to blame for the teasing/ bullying.
• Listen carefully to your child and try to collect the facts.
• Stay calm so that your child realises that you are not going to make the situation worse for them. Do not promise to keep it a secret but discuss and agree with your child a plan of action.
• Help your child to recognise, name, accept and express how they may be feeling.
• Report the bullying (see below for more guidance on ‘Working with School’).

Socialising and making new friends

Lots of young people go through difficult phases with friendships. Having different groups of friends can be very helpful because if your child is going through a tricky patch with one set of friends, they have others to remind them that they are still able to have good friendships.

There are many places and groups where new friendships can be formed such as school, music groups, sports clubs, youth clubs, libraries, craft workshops and many more. CLAPA have created networking opportunities especially for young people who were born with a cleft such as writing to a penpal, mentoring and activity weekends.

If your child is finding it difficult to make friends, there is lots of support and advice available (please see the end of this leaflet).

Talking about speech and/or visible differences

If your child understands their cleft, he or she will be much better equipped and confident to explain about their cleft and answer questions/ comments from others. This can help when meeting new people or to talk about their cleft with people they already know. It is useful to have some short phrases ready to say, such as ‘I was born with a gap in my lip/mouth and then I had surgery to close it.’

Working with school

If the bullying is happening at school, it is important to tell the school as soon as possible. It is a good starting point to talk to your child’s class teacher, or a member of the senior leadership team. All schools must have an anti-bullying policy, which will state their strategies for stopping bullying. This may include increased whole-class anti-bullying education (without naming specific children or incidents), involving parents, helping the child who is bullying to empathise with others and helping the child who is being bullied to build confidence and develop a group of trusted adults/friends. If you believe the school is being unsupportive, or is not doing enough to stop the bullying, then speak to a governor and explain your concerns.

How you may feel as a parent

As a parent or carer, bullying can bring up emotions like sadness, anger, worry, guilt, or helplessness. While it’s natural to want to fix the problem, it’s often best to work with your child to find solutions and build their confidence. Support from family, friends, and the resources listed below can also help. If you’re concerned about bullying related to your child’s cleft, we’re here to offer support and talk.

How you may feel as a parent

As a parent or carer, bullying can bring up emotions like sadness, anger, worry, guilt, or helplessness. While it’s natural to want to fix the problem, it’s often best to work with your child to find solutions and build their confidence. Support from family, friends, and the resources listed below can also help. If you’re concerned about bullying related to your child’s cleft, we’re here to offer support and talk.

Further information

There are a number of websites to help parents and children manage with bullying:

• CLAPA (Cleft Lip and Palate Association) (opens in a new tab)
• Changing Faces (opens in a new tab)
• NSPCC (opens in a new tab)
• Kidscape (opens in a new tab)
• Childline (opens in a new tab)
• Bullying UK (opens in a new tab)
• Family Lives: (previously Parent Line) (opens in a new tab)

Cleft Net East - Psychology Team

If you have any questions or would like to discuss your concerns further, then please contact the cleft psychology team on 01223 596272 or email the Cleft Net East NHS Team (opens in a new tab). Alternatively, please let any of the cleft team know, who will be able to contact the psychology department for you.